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Talk:Fallen Skies/@comment-27393649-20151023220947
SPOILERS Prologue: ''' Awww, I feel so bad for Patchkit D: (i'm not exactly sure if that's the cat who was getting picked on, you didn't really clarify that very well at first). You really made the poor kit get picked on alot, which makes him a really well given sympathetic character. It does seem a little bit extreme though when the kits just bite eachother and nip at eachother's backs. However, I do like how the mother is willing enough to forgive her son and except that he was only trying to protect himself from the others whom were being rude to him. This chapter is a little confusing, but it's very fun and puts you on edge a little at the beginning with all the drama. I have noticed you seem to be using "he" and "she" alot, rather than actually saying the names. That's partly what confuses me within the Prologue. I do find it fascinating how kits act exactly the same in StarClan that they would if they were alive, though I'm not really sure if they're alive or dead ;n; I like how it gets calm sort of at the end of the Prologue, it makes it seem like the problem's have finally been solved and the messages needed have been gotton out. I absolutely adore the friendship that Whitekit and Stripedkit have, and I might even ship them when I read the next few chapters c: I like the confidence inside of Duskstorm when his mate is kitting, it really gives the others a good idea to stay proud and imperturabable. '''Chapter 1 I would like to point out that the I is capital in the sentence "Sunkit landed in front of him, Ice blue eyes locked together." Not saying you need to fix it, but I guess it's always good to not have grammtical mistakes. Ohh, and Stripedpaw's an apprentice now. That's good to see one of the mentioned characters in the prologue will be appearing in most of the chapters. I also have a slight feeling that the story mainly focuses on one or two of the kit's POV'S mentioned, but you never know. I like how you describe the feelings that Patchkit has for Sunkit and the other kits, which gives us a good idea of what they're relationships are like. It's a little bit confusing, but maybe you could describe a little bit of why the other kits are like they are in a future chapter? Just a friendly suggestion. I feel bad for Patchkit whenever Whitekit mocks him, and once again, makes us feel sympathetic for him. I noticed a typo (not sure if you actually meant it, but whatever xD) "Spottedkit didn't budg''ed'' from her spot." I suggest taking off the ed at the end to have it make more sense. The kits are really violent, and all they really seem to want to do is fight and argue with eachother. Though, it does seem like they blame /everything/ on Patchkit. I think it's cute how Patchkit defends Spottedkit and stands up for her, which shows he's a very considerable cat who doesn't judge others by their looks. Also, I found another typo. What if a bugs on me? you should add a ' after the g c: Overall, you did a really good job with the first two chapters. Keep up the good work! :D (Dang sorry this is so long xD)